Oh soft, through what yonder window breaks.

Oh soft, through what yonder window breaks. Pizza, thy art the sun, and pizza thy art the moon. All that I see is inexplicably tied to

Pizza. Its divine taste is all I live to enjoy. I look over, and see the ugly imposter, the enemy of my beloved pizza. The terrible

Pizza Gnobler! "AaahH!" I cried. It eyed up my pizza and stumbled towards me. There was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. I had but one choice:

"Come over here!" I said that while carrying a slice of it. It followed, most likely either wanting the pizza slice or me. I walked away from the pizza with my slice and threw it

in the face of a privileged white female with pigtails and no shoes. Seeing her covered in pizza sauce was hilarious. I then took a selfie with her and posted it on Facebook.

Within 5 minutes, the selfie had 8 quadrillion likes. I'd become a sensation, a wonder-boy, a- Wait a minute...8 quadrillion likes? Something was wrong. I only had 5 friends.

But they were five friends with 2 quadrillion different Facebook accounts, so none of it was out of the realm of possibility...but, I pondered...why do I only have 5 friends?

I scratched my crotch absentmindedly. Was there something about me that was off-putting to others? I farted. I decided to redefine myself on Facebook. I took a new selfie & posted

it, hoping to get a bunch of "likes". It was one of me with my turgid stoat. I got 3 "likes" & one comment: "Is that a turgid stoat?" I had to face it. I am unpopular. I scratched