I love Pretzels but only eat the ones tied

I love Pretzels but only eat the ones tied in a knot! The Pretzel Sticks confuse me I can't decide which end to bite, If I bite the middle I end up with four more ends. Terrifying

small children is a favorite passtime after I get hopped up on pretzel knots and YooHoo chocolate flavored oil. I love to open a can and just

inhale deeply until I see fuzzy colors in the air. Whoever invented whippits was a genius. I once turned blue and Thanksgiving and no one said anything. This is the only

realized my destiny: Be a comedian! Like Steven Colbert. "No, Idiot,” said one of my voices, “you’re a political ignoramus.” “Maria Bamford?” suggested my more helpful voice.

"Stop saying people who aren't funny," my sensible voice said. "Who's that anyway? One of Simon Belmont's vampire-hunting buddies?" I couldn't recall. "Damn brain, you've failed me

for the last time". I took out my shotgun and pointed it at my head. I pulled the trigger and with a big bang saw my friend die. My brain was so stupid I had pointed the wrong end.

Because I foolishly accidentally aimed the shotgun at my own head, I was the one that was blown apart. Next thing I knew, I was facing Satan. "For trying to murder your friend, you

will be forced to admin 4chan for the rest of eternity, never will you be able to interfere with

the universal laws of darkness and light. The arc of the silver sword glinted in His hand. You are now and will forever be known as Nothing.