Sixteen years after her brutal death, I awoke

Sixteen years after her brutal death, I awoke to find my girlfriend painting her toe nails on the side of my bed. She was pale and smelled faintly of embalming fluid. She looked at

me with pity. Sixteen years had gone by, and I still hadn't found a new girlfriend. "You have to get out a bit more" she said, a maggot slithering from her nose. "There's plenty of

maggots in the corpse." She winked and her gooey eye lid fell into her drink. It twitched as it floated in her "sex on the beach." I tried not to stare at it. I needed a girlfriend

and she was one I could literally f*ck the eyes out of. I bought her another drink and planned my next move. "Shall we take a walk along along the Wall?" I asked. Her eye said

"buzz off," but her body said "you'll do" as she got up and waited for me to follow. I guzzled both drinks, rather than waste them. I mean, with attitude like that, I was going to

find out what this was all about. It was a long time since I saw a woman in these parts. Especially a one like that - she took care of herself and smelled of fruit and flowers. We

discussed the finer points of Battlestar Galactica over Mai-Tais. A perfect 10 and a geek to boot! What were the chances? I calculated the answers on my TI scientific calculator.

It was a vintage TI 2500 with glowing red LED display. I entered 6922251, multiplied by 8 asking "Are you?" Then I hit the enter key. She looked at the display & lifted her shirt

Strangely, she had a port where her belly button should have been. Reaching in, she pulled out a cable and snaked it (provocatively) to the side of the TI 2500 and *inserted* it

in his mouth. Instant connection. Compatible forever. He couldn't hold back his hard drive any longer and uploaded his files into her cache. Know you know what really happened.