Johnny 5000 was a kleptomatic man-bot with

Johnny 5000 was a kleptomatic man-bot with little on his mind but picking pockets and stealing ladies' hearts. Stepping into the

smoky bar, he nodded and smiled at the bartender. He quickly sized up the room. Plenty of targets.

But that's life in a muted suburb. Plenty of Targets, Ruby Tuesday's all held together by big fat evil IKEA. Thank god I was an alcoholic. I left the bar in a haze of purple hooter

-s and honkers. But as I soon discovered, the sounds of purple owls and car horns don't bode well for one's sanity. Drunk and deranged, I forced my way into what I thought was

a tank, attempting to shoot down all these damn birds and motor vehicles. When I woke up the next morning, I found myself in jail for hijacking a Prius.

stored in large garbage sacks in my locker at school. There were reasonable, sane explanations for all these things. If I could just plead my case to a jury of my peers they'd have

to believe my story. Mr. Lemons convinced the principle it would be a great lesson in civics if the court proceedings were held in the classroom. The body parts in my locker

wafted the foul odor of decomposition across hall into the classroom."EEEWW-wah!" said Regina, "it *stinks* in here!" Mr. Lemons seized the teachable moment of stench and civics

served up by "The People's Panic Alert", it quiets as you rise and you didn't lift a finger, but the pungent odor's set deep.