In a well loved old farmhouse at the edge

In a well loved old farmhouse at the edge of a field, lived a sweet old man who made his living on pension cheques and preserves he made on the farm. This man had a special tallent

for insults. He'd been born and raised in the seediest bar in town. Now retired, he sat on his porch in his rocking chair. He was sweet but when he spoke only insults would

hurl from his lips. When his neighbor Louella was out weeding in her garden, he hollered from his rocking chair in a gentle voice, "Hey Bigbutt, whatcha doin' there on your knees?

Try that over here." He pointed down between his feet. Louella turned and glared at him as he rocked and pointed, grinning like a moron. She quietly went inside and retrieved her

straw, trying not to wake anyone inside the house. She couldn't believe she was getting herself into such a horrible sitch. He was strange, wanting her to snort coke from his foot

. This was even stranger because the coke he wanted her to snort from his foot was Coca-Cola, not cocaine. She figured he’d run out of drug money, but she drank Pepsi anyway and

if she could stomach that she could stomach a little athlete's foot and mouth disease. So she said, "OK", and snorted the Coca Cola of his barking dogs. Those feet were barking up

a storm, barking up the wrong tree, and barking out "Jingle Bells". Horrified, she covered both her ears and ran down Broadway Avenue, singing like Liza Minelli to drown out the

echoes of the rasping barks. When she'd exhausted her Liza Minelli repertoire, she stopped running and slipped into a quiet alleyway. The crowd on Broadway babbled, but the sound