As an Antiques Roadshow appraiser, I can

As an Antiques Roadshow appraiser, I can see from the human leather binding and musty odor you have a first edition of "The Necronomicon." Where did you find it?

I listened as the guest proceeded to describe, at great length, how his arm had been replaced with a chainsaw, many bizarre creatures had attacked and befriended him, and

how he eventually found his peace by becoming a lumberjack...and he was OK! I nodded thoughtfully at his story, but wondered how he managed his chainsaw arm when he wanted to

He was huge everywhere, and growing huger by the day. His Quebecois wife had been injecting HGH into the pancake batter, her fetish with grotesque musculature knowing no bounds.

One day, he stuck a pin in the bubble that once was his hands and returned to his normal size. The wife took a meat cleaver and shouted, "How dare you?". as she paraded around

in her negligée. She had strange ideas about foreplay. I picked up the box grater and held it out to keep her at bay. I was tired of being her pin-cushion but

having her grate cheese like that was becoming close to standard foreplay. Then she brought out the meat-slicer to take care of the carrots. "Sausage coming up!"

Oh, the innuendo! When all was said and done and eaten for lunch, the two were crowned as Mr. and Mrs. Obese Erotic America and went on a tour of the U.S. to promote their book:

"Eat More, Drink More, More Man, More Woman, More Love". Ang Lee bought the rights & filmed their story in 3D wide screen sensuround, It was bigger than life, you get the picture.