Fighting the rats has become my obsession.

Fighting the rats has become my obsession. I know my battle is futile, but I press on. I hear them plotting in their rat councils, forming committees, and planning their

encroachment into my cheddar supplies. Its in a sealed vault, 7 levels underground, disguised as a fall out shelter behind steel doors and a retina scan. But those rats are clever,

with sympathizers in almost every major political party and wire taps on the phones of most government officials. It was only a matter of time until the rodent uprising would

be revealed to be a ploy by the now-defunct U.S.S.R. to cause mass panic among the female secretarial staff in government buildings, bringing the bureaucracy to a screeching halt.

The KGB secret? Candles. Re-gifting candles. Each department had less candles than women, and they pumped fake birthdays into the Government calendar. Passive aggressive gift

giving was their best chance at victory. The candles went out like unmanned spy planes, appearing in bathrooms across the country. What they didn't anticipate

was the consequences of putting so much TNT near the candle's base. There was supposed to be a tiny "pop" when a new candle was to be auto ordered, but the bath explosions caused

no complaints from the tenants downstairs. Mainly because the resulting explosion killed them before they were drenched in a bathtub worth of water. Maybe TNT wasn't romantic after

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