Citizens of Rock Ridge! I stand before you

Citizens of Rock Ridge! I stand before you today, humbled that you have chosen me as your representative, and secure in the knowledge that our future together is a bright one! Let

me start off my tenure in public office by confessing right away that I will be helping my business associates make money at your expense,lying about my investments & having affair

s with Judas, Brutus, and Cassius. As my trench coat slid off, a reporter asked, "Are those wings?" "You filthy slime, I will drag you to Hell!" I replied. My inauguration as town

house gigolo had been complete at the Housing Association's potluck when I bedded down Ms. Davies, Ursula and Ms. Spilaswack all at the same time. This reporter was not going

to endure the horrors of "A Wrinkle in Time 2" without some reward, no matter how debased it was. And to top it all off, I ended up with New Age Crabs. Itched like a bitch, and

lost me street cred with the hardcore physics crowd. They said go hang with the biologists. I was sullen. "Hey, they're better than the anthropologists," a bald young geek tried

This was all part of a theory of scientific explanation he had written as an assignment in college. It made sense, somehow. We went to Starbucks for coffee. I ordered cappuccino.

We sat down across from each other and he started to blather on about his theory. Much, Much later, as he droned on, I slowly reached across the table and poured my cappuccino into

his shirt front with one hand, while holding his collar forward with the other. The scalding coffee ended his monologue, but heralded a further outburst as he decried his injury. I