"Internet porn?" she screamed indignantly,

"Internet porn?" she screamed indignantly, acting as if it wasn't a part of every male teen's life. "That's trash, and I don't want to see any more of it in my house!"

"Well, uh, I think you're trash - " Carl said, " - so out you go." And Carl threw Mary-Josephanne out of the window, just like that. "Now, it's time to..."

hit the strip club!" he whooped, as we stared in horror while Mary-Josephanne plummeted 60 stories to a grisly but mercifully quick death. "I don't think so, you bastard!" screamed

all of this royal wedding madness. Nico, Placenta, Kate, whatever she was calling herself these days was making a huge mistake. I tried to reason with her, tried to tell her she

would never forgive herself if she didn't pull a fast one on the prince and totally turn him down at the altar. Man, wouldn't that just be hilarious? I lol'd

into my blackberry that I got an index finger cramp. The prince had courted me before, but that's when he had beer goggles, now that he was sober I wonder

if he would realize how exactly overweight I was. I had to find some way to hide my girth before it was too late. One shopping trip later I had at my disposal

a mound of clothing I could use to replicate Santa's suit, play him in a lost-on-a-snowy-mountain-peak-for-a-year scene and still be warm. The yards of material necessary to clothe

the elves and Mrs. Claus' fat ass were nowhere to be found, however. We were pondering our situation when Bear Grylls walked by drinking a jar of his own urine.