If I could back as an animal I would come

If I could back as an animal I would come back as an octopus and hide in my ex-girlfriend's tub so I could

suction my self onto her naughty bits like the big octopus in that woodcut from Hokusai. I figured she'd dumped me for the guy who lived in a cephalopod due to his way with inkjets

which is understandable since he worked with printers for a living, but come on! I invented the laser printer! Desperate to make her love me, I attached a laser to my testicles and

shot a round, but my pants caught fire. "Liar, liar!" she yelled. "What's your real job?" "Um... I'm a profile portrait model," I said. That career went up in smoke as my nose grew

inward, making me resemble Ralph Feines's portrayal of Lord Voldemort. Turns out that's not a real turn-on for most folks" "Yeah," she said, "I see what you mean" "Plus, the way yo

ur veins bulge up underneath your skin and those colourless eyes... You should consider a hair transplant and an irisfiller. I think green would be a pretty colour. Your hair shoul

d easily fall out after i rub my hands every so roughly like a frickin madman while daydreaming of the delicious cat-head biscuits to come later on, but now i have to focus on your

appetite for gauche Van Gogh macaroni artwork which you insist is pronounced like Gagh, the living worms that the Klingons eat, yet they can't cure Picard's baldness in the future

episodes? The director threw his hands up in exasperation. Incompetent fools! This was not going as he had anticipated. "Get Steve on the line," he demanded, dragging his fingers

over the emergency eject button on his executive chair without realising it. The director was ejected through the roof and 20 metres in the air. Life is so short.