Once upon a time, it was a dark and stormy

Once upon a time, it was a dark and stormy night. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, and I took the road less traveled. Call me Ishmael. A screaming comes across

chilled wind. Meanwhile, presently, in another part of the town, and across the sea, she walked in. She had a face that could launch a boat or stop on a dime. Her eyes told me

about a bacterial infection of sebaceous glands of eyelashes, a sty in the parlance of our times. Wonderful face, except for the eyes. What to do!?!

The answer was apparent immediately. Lye is a corrosive substance used in making soap and curing Lutefisk. If you could soak your eyes in a bucket of that, they would be clean!

harvest some lard. I needed to fashion some goggles to project my eyes from the chemicals. I used clear plastic wrap around my head and hoped I wouldn't get mistaken for a

Lady Gaga impersonator, which was entirely possible given the circumstances. I wrapped up my face in the plastic wrap, neglecting to consider how I was going to breathe. The chemic

als should keep me alive long enough to do one song. Then I am most likely going to die. It didn't matter because i'm getting $1,000 dollars for each song I stay alive for. Lets

try singing "He's Got The Whole World in His Hands". It has so many verses and I will have to stay alive to sing each one, which means more money in my pocket, to buy those green

lantern figurines I've had my eye on for quite some time. Right now the only thing that I am worrying about is dying of boredom.