Jim stepped off the porch, crying through

Jim stepped off the porch, crying through his nose and coughing the shit up like it contained his regret. He'd gone to make the last payment in person, but she'd invited him in.

Because Jim could do no wrong. He was Jimmy of Jimmy Dean sausage and she loved, no obsessed over sausage patties. She hated links and so she lied and cheated to marry the

first girl named Patti that came along. (She loved sausages, just not links.) His sausage slighted, Link tried to forget her, but instead got caught up in a s***load of intrigue.

It all started with a Fox News report that his sausages curved to the left, which made them communist AND Islamic extremist. Soon, his answering machine was packed with threats.

Abe Froman [or Mr. X as he was known thenceforth (thenceforth?)] was forced to abandon his Chicago sausage monarchy and relocate under the Sackless Protection Agency where sackless

men could convene and provide mutual support. "Remaining Men More-or-less Together" their little group of 5 was called. Mr. X, humbled by this turn of events, sought solace with

a pair of pink flamingo pantihose, until he made the horrible realization that that was no lint, that was a spindly, large spider crawling up his bedsheets! Long as his finger, he

wondered how they found out about his Arachnophobia.He was paralysed from the legs down as the hairy beast made its way up the bedsheet towards him. He imagined it's eight eyes saw

to the depths of his soul. Thinking quickly, he snatched some hairspray and a cigar and made a makeshift flame thrower. No more spider! No more house either.