The wedding invite said, "Bring a suit."

The wedding invite said, "Bring a suit." So what if mine was bright canary hazmat with a gas-mask helmet! I was on time!

When I got to the wedding, I was escorted to the last seat available, 3rd row, bride's side. As I sat there in my hazmat suit & mask, I saw the other guests giving me dirty looks.

But I was ready. When the priest asked for any objections to the union, I stood. "Friends, I am wearing this hazmat suit as a symbol of the toxicity of this so-called marriage.

I've have been a long supporter of marriage equality, but this has gone too far. Look I understand that you love Peanut Butter Crunch and that I was the one who said why don't you

marry it, u love it so much. I didn't think you would actually marry a box of PB Crunch. The wedding invite was pretty though, it listed all of the vitamins & nutritional values.

Cannibalism and marriage don't mix. So after devouring my fifth wife, I thought maybe I should be single. Play the field. Eating the wives really upsets my kids.

And not to mention my IBS. But I digress- after I ate my 5th wife and decided to play the field, I thought taking the kids on a family vacation would cheer them up. So we went to

a strip joint. I told the kids that the ladies were just getting out of their clothes so they could put on their bathing suits. To music. "Fun, eh kids?" I asked them as the

ladies began to spin the tassles attached to their nipple pasties. My youngest kid said, "This is much better than the guys undressing at mommy's shows. They only got one twirler."