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"Poem for My Newlywed Wife on the Eve of

  • "Poem for My Newlywed Wife on the Eve of Our Honeymoon: In the dark, my fart is as deadly as a shark." As my beloved lay in wait I beamed at her, deeply proud of my verse.
  • "Oh gosh" she thought to herself while listening to her husband's hideous poem. "I think I've made a mistake." She walks over to her husband and gives him a loving hug and kiss.
  • She said "Dear, you know how some people are put on this planet to do certain things?" He nodded enthusiastically, hungry for validation. "Well, let's just say that your poem was
  • proof that your jester boots fit." He stopped juggling and said, "Well excuse me if work seeps into my more serious artistic pursuits, honey." His bells jingled as he stormed out
  • because he was going "commando." He felt that airing out these sensitive bits contributed to a healthy constitution. Circulation and moderation in temperature was paramount to
  • his "boys" well-being. Too hot, & they'd turn red & schweaty. Too cold & there would be shrinkage. To ensure proper ventilation, his doctor installed tiny fans in his upper thighs.
  • All was well with him. But Life was waiting to give him a boot up the jacksy. OK, he won the a Euro Lottery & was awarded a well-deserved Nobel prize. Apart from that, Life was
  • flat-lining. Since winning the lottery, Rachel had grown distant and distraught. He'd become dark and brooding. "I have everything I ever wanted," he told himself. "What's missi
  • ssippi cost? If I owned Mississipi, Rachel & I will be happy again." So he bought it & they moved to a big beautiful planation on the Mississippi River. With his remaining money,
  • 6 mo's later, she left TJ for a mad gardener. DICK. TJ was sad, but he DID own Mississippi. One year later, he married Martha-the-Hottie & signed a big government thingy in 1776.
Started
2014-04-15 18:12:13
Finished
2014-07-11 19:46:42

9 Comments

  1. Avatar

    m80 Jul 11 2014 @ 21:59

    Hamstak, you *should* be deeply proud of that verse.
  2. Avatar

    hamstak Jul 13 2014 @ 20:54

    We can credit my subconscious. I actually (no joke) dreamed that the poem in question was written on a folded piece of paper. Can anyone recommend a good psychiatrist?
  3. Avatar

    49erFaithful Jul 14 2014 @ 12:13

    Wow, I've never remembered a poem I dreamed. That's pretty cool.
  4. Avatar

    lucielucie Jul 14 2014 @ 13:23

    Do all you folds come to you in dreams, Hamstak? [steeples fingers, peers over half moon glasses]
  5. Avatar

    SlimWhitman Jul 22 2014 @ 18:04

    You wear half moon glasses? just one more word: schweaty
  6. Avatar

    hamstak Jul 22 2014 @ 18:12

    All such things appear in dreams: poetry, folds, code, project proposals, grocery lists. Beware the full moon, especially when it is schweaty.
  7. Avatar

    PurpleProf Jul 22 2014 @ 20:05

    I actually misspelled "schweddy." It came from this now famous SNL skit, one of my all-time favorites: https://screen.yahoo.com/nprs-delicious-dish-schweddy-balls-000000088.html
  8. Avatar

    PurpleProf Jul 22 2014 @ 20:09

    BTW, Ben and Jerry's came out with "Schweddy Balls" ice cream flavor a few years back. Many supermarkets refused to carry it. LOL!
  9. Avatar

    lucielucie Jul 23 2014 @ 11:58

    @ Slimwhitman - only when my psychiatric booth is open for business.

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