"You want to date Luanda? Then you have to

"You want to date Luanda? Then you have to sleep with me. And I don't mean 'rest' either. I mean knocking the boots." Ted stared at Tammy. She was serious. She was totally dis

-embowled, no butts about it. Tammy took care of business through a reed in her neck. Fearing for his white satin sheets, Ted crawled into bed and asked, "Have you eaten recently?"

Ted hoped he understood about Tammy's condition for the sake of his white satin sheets, or rather he didn't. By his understanding she defecated through the reed in her neck. It

made kissing her virtuallty impossible. She couldn't properly control her bowels by the reed in her neck, so at any moment it was possbile she could let one loose on him. Ted hated

pew pew. It was disgusting. Especially the kind that burns the bum bum. So Ted vowed to never eat spicy cupcakes ever again. Forcing his girlfriend to join his diet, he made her

the blandest pancakes ever. No, seriously, the Guiness Book of World Records was called to measure the blandness. When the pancakes measured 789400 on the Bieber scale

they were officially declared blandest flatfood in the land. IHoP seized the opportunity adding the recipe to their menu, flour & water, and were promptly sued by Mazel's Matzos

Taco Smell, and Pizza Slut, the unholy trifecta of flatbread tastelessness in the Five Shires. The ensuing court battle was an epic one, involving millions of witless witnesses,

expert statements, truckloads of evidence and a media wolf pack waiting outside. The judges determined that the case could not be heard as the Five Shires did not have jurisdiction

in Palm Beach.The judge suggested that they revisit the possibility of mediation.Much to the chagrin of the bloodthirsty media, everyone ended up holding hands and singing Kumbaya.