My cat made me follow her outside to spend

My cat made me follow her outside to spend the night in her world. She showed me where a puddle of water was and left me a nice lizard, but let me pick my own place to sleep. Th

e cat proceeded to curl up and dip its head in the puddle of water, thrashing about and drenching me in the process. I had a strange, monstrous desire to garrote the cat with a

guitar string made from cat intestines. This monstrous desire had reared it's head before. I dried the cat off but the monstrous desire whispered, "Kill it. Kill the kitty. Kill th

E kitty." But the cat's family wouldn't allow me to do this and used a kitty phone to call the karma police and have me arrested for animal cruelty. I spent ten years in jail!

I couldn't figure out how many years that was in cat years. It seemed nobody knew the conversion for cat years. Everybody knew dog years but not cat years. I didn't know fish years

either, but I was campaigning for research grants so that I could conduct a thorough study. Eventually I wound up in front of the grants board with a slideshow and a nervous sweat.

I was given the grant immediately, not because of my presentation, but because they needed to get me out of the review room before my stinking armpits asphyxiated the judges. Soon

I was famous...not so much for my research, but for the fact that I'd grown Amazon forests in my armpits. Yes, that's right. My armpits were reversing worldwide climate change.

As you can imagine, I was miserable. I was literally drowning in my sweat. My love life was destroyed, not only because my armpit hair was down to my toes, but my junk was chafe.

I decided I needed to have some grooming done in order to set things straight. I was going to trim my armpit hair and see what else I could have done to restore my love life!