My cat made me follow her outside to spend

My cat made me follow her outside to spend the night in her world. She showed me where a puddle of water was and left me a nice lizard, but let me pick my own place to sleep. Th

e cat proceeded to curl up and dip its head in the puddle of water, thrashing about and drenching me in the process. I had a strange, monstrous desire to garrote the cat with a

guitar string made from cat intestines. This monstrous desire had reared it's head before. I dried the cat off but the monstrous desire whispered, "Kill it. Kill the kitty. Kill th

E kitty." But the cat's family wouldn't allow me to do this and used a kitty phone to call the karma police and have me arrested for animal cruelty. I spent ten years in jail!

I couldn't figure out how many years that was in cat years. It seemed nobody knew the conversion for cat years. Everybody knew dog years but not cat years. I didn't know fish years

either, but I was campaigning for research grants so that I could conduct a thorough study. Eventually I wound up in front of the grants board with a slideshow and a nervous sweat.

I was given the grant immediately, not because of my presentation, but because they needed to get me out of the review room before my stinking armpits asphyxiated the judges. Soon

I was famous...not so much for my research, but for the fact that I'd grown Amazon forests in my armpits. Yes, that's right. My armpits were reversing worldwide climate change.

I decided I needed to have some grooming done in order to set things straight. I was going to trim my armpit hair and see what else I could have done to restore my love life!