I'm that guy, the one who talks at the movie

I'm that guy, the one who talks at the movie theatre. Shushes sustain me. Bad dialogue gives me purpose. During "Spider-Man," I added a well-placed "yeah right" to the part when

Spidey spurted out five times his own mass. Sometimes I croon, "Your shushes sustain me, but I can't wait to see the usher." Sometimes it's not the usher, but a huffy moviegoer w

ith a big gut in a sport coat. Why do I croon? Crooning is so stupid, but I can't really sing. It was either croon or rap and well, I had a really decent childhood which means

I can't rap for crap. If you don't understand the logic behind this - too bad. I used to serenade the ladies at the bingo parlor every Friday night with my keen crooning skills.

but I read the writing on the wall when my dentures ejected into Mrs. Bonnicut's ample bosom while she was calling four in a row. I did it my way alright. After that she'd blush

when I smiled. Soon, we had our evening Immodium "cordials" together and she'd affectionately rubber mallet my dentures to help cement them to my gums. Love in an old folks home wa

s like a daytime soap opera, only with more stamp collecting. We planned to elope during Monday bingo when the nurses were distracted. Monday came but we forgot our plan so instead

we attended bingo. B4 was called and I remembered our plan to elope. I couldn't leave yet, because I only needed I22 to win. We were just going have to wait until next week.

In retrospect, I remember my fianc� eyeing the chubby blonde who winked at him when O14 was called. He thought she was hot. I should have paid attention, but the bingo game was

too enthralling. Only when I looked up & saw my fiancé's mobility scooter was gone as well as my fiancé, did I realise I was alone again. It still hurts, even though I'm old.