Once upon a time there was a beautiful young

Once upon a time there was a beautiful young princess who dreamed to escape the confines of her kingdom. She felt so much pressure to be perfect, so much that

put on an armored suit standing at her door of her bedchamber & waited. When the tutor unlocked her door to give curtsy lessons he found the room seemingly empty. The princess esca

ped by way of ear hair. Apparently she had grown it out, and used it as some sort of rope, to propel herself out of the tower. Det. Manatee assessed the scene. Ear hair strewn abou

t dotted with globules of a sticky, orange substance. The inspector noted, "The victim used too much earwax." This wasn't the first time someone had unsuccessfully tried to escape

by earwax.Another tried to escape using a bomb made by sealing a milk carton with earwax, trapping expelled gas in the carton, lighting it with a wick made from belly button lint &

putting toenail clippings inside as shrapnel. They were a disgusting crew of terrorists. They'd made a plastique explosive out of boogers and eye crust. They wanted a freedom

that few have known before: the freedom to place their belly button lint and ear wax into a missile and shoot it at whomever said 'boo' to them. But their persnickety tech guy

so quickly that my head spun more rapidly than Linda Blair stuck in a revolving door at Macy's on Christmas Eve. The belly button lint flew into my mouth and I gasped and farted

keeping tempo with I Saw Momma Kissing Santa. Having now swallowed the belly button lint I was struck by the fact that this might be that very moment when panic was an apt emotion.