Dmitri worked his way up from petty trollage

Dmitri worked his way up from petty trollage to head of an internet crime syndicate with spoofing, skimming, & phishing. Little did the syndicate know "Fat cat" really was a cat

. Admittedly, they thought that sending the profit to an offshore tuna cannery was odd. Dmitri purred as he broke into Play Station's network. Cats like playing with dead things.

even though he couldn't do the splits, hit with any power, or make panties drop with a smirk, he more than made up for that with reckless enthusiasm. Dmitri walked right into the

lab and began organizing chemical elements into the periodic table. D. Mendeleev's sudden fame and acclaim led to his transformation from science coot to Russian sex symbol.

He quickly stopped all his scientific work and started exclusively pursuing his now lucrative modeling career, becoming vapid and uninteresting nearly overnight.

But when people saw him, they would spontaneously say, "Sartoum", by which they meant that arresting living beauty which stops time. Maybe his scientific career was not over. He

vowed to quit his job working as a comment troll for the Koch Bros. and return to science, his first love. But first, he had to

make good on his promise to deliver the package for Alfie. He met up with a man known only as "Earl" at the Golden Panda Chinese Buffet & slipped it to him, along with a fortune co

okie that read: Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now. On the back were lotto numbers and a phrase in Chinese. Earl wondered what it all meant.