The demonolgist's day job was painting lines

The demonolgist's day job was painting lines in parking lots. This went well until the winter solstice

when his inner demons told him to paint a large pentacle in front of Walmart & sacrifice a goat. Derek the demonologist was given unpaid 'thinking time' from his line painting job

So the next day I found myself berried underground with a tomb stone which said not a worthy sacrifice

. Being berried alive is a cruel form of execution. The victim is inhumed with berries. As a final insult, a tombstone is buried with him. I, unworthy sacrifice, had been berried.

Unfortunately I also was allergic to berries. There I was, six feet under, covered in hives, and itchy as hell. To escape, I punched through the coffin lid and clawed through

2 meters of packed fill dirt. When I burst out of the ground a roving pack of hillbillies shouted "Zombie apocalypse!" and charged me with pitchforks. "No, no!" I tried to say but

my larynx was impaled by a pitchfork, so it came out, "Ngggghh, ngggsshh!" Of course, they couldn't stop me. Gory gobs of blood-n-stuff dribbled down my shirt. The hillbillies

were going to defend the black crude that had come up bubbling on their property. I whipped one of the hillbillies in the head with the handle of the pitchfork sticking in my chest

A crimson creek spurted from his jaw. Cruor that is & did he bleed. Kinfolk said Jed looks like a Hematoma. ER's the place you oughta be so they sewed'm up & he looks like Beverly.