The Ratgod checked his Chinese horoscope

The Ratgod checked his Chinese horoscope for 2013 and learned, to his dismay, that this is the year he would most likely experience loneliness.

"It is decided! I will find a Ratgoddess," said Ratgod. He forced a slew potential suitors, in Reality TV fashion, to dance off in the sewer to Ratatat. One by one, they disappoint

ed him and he'd hand them a stinking rose (garlic bulb) smooshed with fresh feces. Just three Ratgoddess contestants remained. The Ratgod announced: "Excellent! Now it is time for

the next challenge" The 3 Ratgoddesses, were put in a London sewer & had to get out via a toilet s-bend. Biting a toilet occupant on re entry gave a bonus. 1 contestant drowned so

so and another contestant was poisoned sort of blase. "This game sucks" thought Derek and he through the controller right in the toilet. This XBOX he'd bought in Tiajuana was

as stoned as Lebowski. "XBox gotta be clean," he moralized as he torched the abandoned church. He had placed the console on the deteriorating altar and performed a makeshift rite

The 2nd item of the 6 that would be needed was a wet moon puddle. 3rd: A newspaper announcing Mandela's death sometime in the 80s while still in prison. 4th: Custer's Army Dismissa

l due to halitosis, and 6th: Dame Edna's birth certificate. Armed with these items I made the celebrity circuit, shocking audiences everywhere with my evidence. But Perry Mason

haunts my dreams. He knows the real me, the truth of my core; my very being. If only I could have shared more with his dynamic and lively personality