"We need to get them when they're young!"

"We need to get them when they're young!" said the editor-in-chief as he slammed down his coffee. "Newspapers need to be written for toddlers. More stories on duckies!" As an ace,

hole, which was what the toddler journalists called the editor behind his back because they weren't old enough swear, they also called him

doodoohead and cootieface.The editor told the toddlers they had to “hold it” til they finished the front page. Since none of them wore diapers anymore, they gravely grabbed crayons

and colored over the pee stains on the rug. The kids plugged their noses with Mr. Sketch markers and resumed writing. The first story, "A Tinkle in Time: 'Holding It' Gone Wrong,"

I, however, had no interest in conforming to this ridiculous form of education. I instead attempted to finish a 'Connect the Dots' page that had been passed out earlier.

It seemed my act of individuality had inspired the teacher. She quickly passed out similar pages and squawked at the class; "Connect the dots! CONNECT THEM!" Colored pencils flew

ed me; who else had kept asking "why?" for 3 weeks in a row? But how was I to know that the spider did not like questions? It had been boasting about its superior home since its

appearance on the web, but now I, Little Miss Muffett, was going to face my arachnophobia once and for all. It didn't matter to me who was asking WHY or how many times. I picked up

the brown recluse, it bit me, and ffhzzhdlps--THUD. So ended Ms. Muffet's personal memoirs. Thunder clapped & I looked at the wall's shadow. A brown recluse dangled above my neck.