I was only here for corn chips, but here

I was only here for corn chips, but here I was, frozen in the aisle, because a (devastatingly handsome) staff member had walked into the same aisle, freestyle rapping about

like this, "I got your beefcakes, your matrimony abalone, got your fruit pie in aisle five, I CU check me out, scan me with your laser stare" The hunky checkout double bagged me &

asked me if he could help me to my car with my groceries. "No tips allowed," he winked sexily & wheeled my cart outside as I followed. "Which way to your car?" he asked, his voice

heavy with feeling. "Ummm... I walked here tbh," I replied. So we set off together to my remote cabin, a 7 mile hike over rough ground. He started wheezing as my grocery cart skitt

ered across the ley lines under the woods. At one point a corner of the grocery cart started to vaporize, so we left it behind on the way to my remote cabin. He didn't seem creepy,

we had food! There were meat and snacks and all kinds of things that would keep has fed for weeks. Suddenly, being lost in the woods wasn't so bad. Not that we were lost, as I was

fully aware of our surroundings. The truth of the matter was that I had kidnapped a schoolbus full of children with the intent of isolating them from society and raising a band of

evil sorcerers. Me and my buddy Jimbo was gonna teach 'em, but one of the kids escaped, we got busted and then sent to prison where I now write you this letter. Mr. President,

I didn't enjoy sharing my bunk with you last night. Being my cell mate doesn't automatically entitle you to a foot massage, you're going to have to work for that privilege. xoxo.