Cleaning out my "Junk" mailbox, my eyes were

Cleaning out my "Junk" mailbox, my eyes were drawn to the ad for Swedish Penis Enlarging cream. If only I was Swedish..

I could eat meatballs whenever I wanted. I'm partial to the ones from IKEA, but really I don't discriminate against

partially hydrogenated "meats" made from glued-together wood shavings. That is how they make everything there, right?

I know the beavers love that shit, but what the hell am I supposed to do?

Use my freakin' teeth? I've always wanted to be a shaman but I never had

the crazy eyes. So instead I became a Wall St.

thief, but most people knew me as a hedge fund manager for Goldman Sachs. I put on some Coldplay and proceeded to

the kitchen to snatch me a cold one. But what I found upon opening the old Fridgedair was nothing more than

half a 40oz and a McRib. Those guys must really

dream up these meal combos in a smokey room somewhere. The ground bacon and grape jelly had been his favorite but

stretched on and on, so when he was ready for a change, chocolate cherry, say, he had a banana volume problem to address

-- such were the travails of the confectioner's son. It made no sense sometimes, and cream -- whipped, folded, curdled,

clotted or soured -- was the source of both his agony and his ecstasy. But forgetting that for a brief moment, he took

a swig of the rancid milk, relishing in the chunky texture as it slid

down his throat. The taste of the rancid goodness quenched a lot of his fears about his life, but now he felt

like a new man. He got up, ran maniacally down the street, and screamed...... "I am the one your mother warned you about." "Shut up"..... someone yelled from behind him. He turned

and there behind him was a replica of himself, but it didn't have any eyes, just a big mouth with wide spread lips and yellowing teeth. Was he catching up with himself, or falling

behind his CloneTrooper. His wife grabbed his arm, and dragged him to the kitchen. "Bitch! Make me a

sandwich!" She glared at him and pushed him roughly against the wall. "That's not happening." She replied quietly and left.