If you've ever bitten into an unripe plum

If you've ever bitten into an unripe plum at the precise moment of climax, then you know

nothing about plums. Underripe plums are hard and tart. A ripe plum is slightly soft with a smooth skin. Avoid hard, mushy, or wrinkled plums.

I was the Audubon of pitted fruit. I would trench through the Amazon basin in search of the rare spiny plum. My native guide pointed to the ancient temple and would go no further.

Appeared. It beckoned me and I followed. Three years after I first discovered The Temple of Horus, it was a very popular gathering place for the spirits of Halloweens past. Uncle

Fersteringface was the ghoul in charge at the time. The rest of the crowd considered him an Osiris sympathizer but couldn't really kick him out because he owned the place. Even so,

the barking meatmen of Olympus frightened Festeringface out of his little ghostly under-toga panties. Rather than face them, he decided to leap off the cloud and into the world of

barbed-wire pantyhose. Impractically, barbed-wire pantyhose insured the improbability of a camel’s toe bursting through the wet under-toga panties and causing inflation elation.

Camels have never been known for barbed wire, although they were in favor of lynching Joe Camel with some. Camels do, however, like togas. They find them easy to move around in.

That still didn't explain how the elephants got in my unitard. Pink ones too. Two. I need to go find my tutu.