I am a 65 years old retiree, people look

to say things like this, but still no one takes me without grains of salt. But aside from that I'm fairly respected in the home what with my deluxe walker-pooper and

my false sense of accomplishment. My life is a walking failure that no one seems to notice and my dog

just shat on the toe of my boot while I was whining silently to myself for the last 2 hours. The poor thing had to go, and couldn't hold it anymore. I'm such a thoughtless failure

but respect still had to be learned. How was I to know that Armadillo's could hit that hard? One swipe and I was out cold. But round the corner appeared a

meerkat, who stood up, looked around, then stared at me for a few seconds and went back into his hole. Heartless meerkats. The armadillo scratched my face once again and

rolled into an armored ball. I picked him up and bowled him at the mound. The meerkats heard the sound and poked up their heads. The 'dillo caromed off twelve of them. "STRIKE!"

Just then a Chopper swooped over the hillside & two nude PETAtroopers jumped out. As inventor of Hedgehog golf & CEO of GameBoy Safari Tours I was a target of PETAs militant arm.

I loaded my gator-skin bazooka with baby pandas and launched my counter assault. My first shot was on the mark - the panda hit the first PETAtrooper's head, and both exploded.

The battle raged on. The quiet animal rights protest had turned from peaceful to a bloodbath. In the end only a single PETA member remained, raising her placard high in triumph.