There once lived a gnome. One day he...

There once lived a gnome. One day he...

rode a squirrel for fun. But the squirrel bucked the gnome off.

The gnome leaped to his tiny feet, swung his gossamer lasso and hog-tied the squirrel in 10 seconds flat. Thus, began the fairy rodeo.

took leave of his mortal coil in a shimmering rainbow column that ascended into the sky. TOTAL ENLIGHTENMENT: Right Before Your Eyes! seemed to be as it claimed. Still, I smelled a

rat and sure enough when I'd ascended to polychrome stairway I arrived in a waiting room where I had to fill out a form. "Have you ever engaged in acts of immortal transcendence?"

I thought out loud, "Well I mean there was that one time I mistakenly drank some ayahuasca tea a few years ago, but does it count if it was unintentional?"

"My boy," said Mr. Wonka, "Nothing counts if it's unintentional!" Then he "accidentally" pushed me into the river of chocolate. "Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to send you to your

hellish liposuction." My mom looked horrified. I was horrified. I tried to swim but the chocolate pipe sucked me up into it. I thought I would die. Thought I would pop. Mr. Wonka

just shook his head, & offered me another OompaLoopma to take home for my pain and suffering. No way, I wanted that Magic Goose. He wouldn't budge on it. So I left, with 14 Oompas.