She was known as "Air Borden." She earned

She was known as "Air Borden." She earned this nickname because of her incredible wood chopping skills. She swung the heavy ax like it was "air." Hard woods exploded into the "air.

the playground where I spend most days. There I enjoy staring out through the fence. I smile a lot. Occasionally I will lick the fence post closest to me, just to get a taste of

creosote which transports me to a childhood barbecue where my Aunt was grilling BBQ ribs. Creosote was her secret marinade ingredient and it's amazing purgative effect meant guests

voided all that greasy fatty meat which had been Aunt's crafty plan all along. "What you need is a good dose of Aunt Valetta's tonic." she'd pronounce hands on hips. Before you

take the tonic, though, you have to pay Aunt Valetta $5 & give her a baloney sandwich. "Yup, that's my fee for 1 dose of tonic!" Aunt Valetta chirped cheerily & held out her hand.

I stacked 500 pennies onto her hand, then 2 slices of bread. "That's a baloney sandwich if I ever saw one." Aunt Valetta handed me a crystal phial. I drank the tonic and instantly

regretted it. There was no gin at all in there. Just tonic. I felt funny. What the hell was Aunt Valetta up to? I laid down on the couch. A minute later (I thought) the doorbell

was stolen by some douches with a screwdriver. I knew, because I always sleep with my eyes open, and there was a surveillance monitor in the room. Aunt Valetta would blame me, I wa

s able to track down those gnomes, dig up their burrow, and take back Aunt Valetta unmentionables. Which I enlisted in the Homeland Security Fairy Brigade.