Once upon a time there was a woman who tried

Once upon a time there was a woman who tried to sneak her chameleon through customs by wearing it as a hat.

Unfortunately for her the customs agent was a trained herpetologist who came from a long line of habberdashers so he recognized right off that her "hat" was really a sizable lizard

in camouflage. Its eye's independently tracked 2 flies circling a faux fruit still life it had conjured. "Miss Miranda are you aware a lizard is impersonating your hat?" asked the

Dowager Countess. She was about to make yet another of her witty remarks when she suddenly burst into flames. The Eart followed suit, the Countess proceeded to choke to death on

a hot pocket. The Dowager Princess didn't wait for it to cool after microwaving it, she tried to "hot gobble" and thus, the fire. All that was left was the silver hot pocket reflec

tor sleeve in the corner of the charred remains. Firefighter Pete was charged with investigating the blaze at the Dowager Princess' quarters. After finding the hot pocket sleeve,

he began to surmise that it was an accumulation of pepperoni grease that caused the fire. That, and a faulty microwave oven. The quaint village of Dowager, population 62, thrilled

at Guy Fawkes day was early this year. Dowager, pop. 62, threw effigies in the bonfire unaware that my bungalow was inside the blaze. i looked on with resigned disgust.

I lost everything in the fire: my autographed nude photo of Natalie Portman's best friend's Aunt Tilly, and, of course, my Guy Fawkes mask, which would have helped implement

my evil plan to destroy the world. But now the only world that was destroyed was my own. I sobbed in self-pity in the gutter, homeless & hopeless. All I had left was my thermos.