B'chugerroth, Slenderman, and Zalgo all walk

B'chugerroth, Slenderman, and Zalgo all walk into a bar. The barman (me) realizes the potential for comedy here so I decide to write everything down.

"Do you serve comic heroes"? They asked. "No sir, they're too tough" the bartender responded. I tried to write down what happened next but a wooden table shattered my

pelvis. "Spontaneous explosive disassembly", the bartender said. "Flat-pack tables are all well and good, but I'm trying to one up those Swedish bastards. Still, I'm sorry about

the mess." I reached into my left pants-pocket and pulled out the- ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL

clicker. I aimed it at the gate agent and pressed the 5 minute duration button. With control of her brain, I then booted 2 suits from first class and inserted my fiance and I. We

moved into our seats, but the businessmen would not stop complaining. I used the clicker again and, inspired by Inception, gave the two men the idea that they would jump out of the

plane, but what I had forgotten is that if you open a door at the height of 20,000 feet, you are bound to get sucked out too. The two men flew out, the stewardess was next, I hel

-d onto the door and, after only a few seconds, realised I was now the only person attached in any way to the plane. I struggled back inside, closed the door and sat in the pilot's

emergency escape pod, but not before I had taken all the money out of everyone's carry-on bags. The pod detached from the doomed aircraft, and my rich ass landed smoothly in