Don't feed the dogs or you'll turn into a

Don't feed the dogs or you'll turn into a penguin! How was she to know that one of the least believable of her father's instructions would actually lead to this fate. Her skin

was cool & slippery. Someone stretched out a feathered leg. She fell face-down onto the icy ground. Splat! "Why you big bully!" she tried to yell, but instead issued squeaky honks

toes (she had athlete's foot, and her skin was always peeling there), she flicked the fungal infected skin at the disappearing peacock tail and watches in satisfaction as

the skin bounces excitedly off the feathers, and away into the distance. Looking to the people around her, she proceeds to lift the fungus-infected toes to her mouth and

bites them off. It's okay though, because they were infected and kinda gross-looking (though the man she's biting them off of doesn't seem to understand this). "What are you

Thinking when you smoke that stinky weed?" I asked. Mountain Girl answered, "This is the nest I have looked for all my life. There were six eggs she was sitting on. These were all

my future brothers & sisters. From this eyrie we will spread to cover the mountain with our feathers. But that was a dream that died when those six eggs were stolen by UberHipster.

So we will instead cover the village below in guano. You two- finish your chili and head for the McDonald's. Squawkers, you cover the statues of the racist warriors. I'll let loose

a humongous beer and cabbage fart; that should level the playing field. Alas, the game was no longer a game: it was a chore--a pain-in-the-ass. The whole damn World was a mess.