Mrs. Henderson always used a crooked wand

Mrs. Henderson always used a crooked wand with a few little branches. It kept her humble and provided a safeguard, as she had no idea where her intentions came from anyway. On the

eve of Thanksgiving, she cast a mashing spell at some potatoes, but it went through a branch and struck her husband. "Too compact for a lover," she deemed. She cast a desquelching

hex & hit the ten bird roast causing the onionlike gamebird concoction to explode all over the illustrious conjurers attending her Thanksgiving feast. Myopic Mildred's dense mate

tea drink had not spilled though. She put gelatin into the mate because she liked to chew her anti-oxidants. Myopic Mildred chewed her tea as the Thanksgiving feast

continued. She popped another cube of green tea jello into her mouth. Her fingers were turning an unusual shade: Chartreuse? Oh my, that's going to leave a stain, Mildred thought.

Alas, this should have been the last of Mildred's worries, for the green tea jello she'd consumed did far more than merely turn her fingertips green. Now everything she touched

In other news, there has been a two car pile up on State Highway 16 and traffic was brought to a stand still for upwards of 5 minutes. No one was hurt and no damage was done. Those

hooligans in their souped-up jalopies! They're a menace to the American way!" Dirk tossed the copy at the camera and stormed off channel 45's traffic watch.

The footage, aptly named "Dirk the Jerk," went viral within 24 hours. Ashamed of his compulsive outburst, Dirk had a sex change operation & is now a lingerie model in France.