"Welcome, Baltimore Zooians, to your first

"Welcome, Baltimore Zooians, to your first Animal Etiquette class. I am Mr. Johnson, the..." *BURRRP* "...cover your mouth with your forelimb when burping, Mr. Walrus. Our first

lesson is "eating." First, Baboon, you must stop picking stuff out of your friend's hair and eating it. It's disgusting. Here, put the lice in a kleenex. Mr. Lion, you can only eat

animals. If you eat vegetables, I'll demote you to duke of the jungle or lower. Grizzly, I'm going to teach you how to maul the shit out of

anybody that tries to stop us from my diabolical plan to sequester as much carbon as possible. Lion? Grizzly? Got it?" I resumed work on my doomsday device, chuckling since I knew

that an elephant digestive tract can hold a lot of gas underr pressure, but eventually it would be expelled The sudden peak in carbon emissions would, put the humans out for the

next three millennia, during which many other species vied for dominating evolution in the humans' temporary absence. The flying squirrels, the echolocation bats, the bonobos with

they came back blind, all of them. This was quite ironic, given that they had built everything in the old world to be a feast for their eyes! The cries of wild animals haunted the

local PETA activists. Something had to be done! Something drastic! Something that would garner the attention of the media. They hired Stevie Wonder to do a benefit concert

in rural Belarus. Stevie Wonder will sing at the top of a crumbling plastic shoe factory from the soviet era, backed by belly dancers. No one will be able to say they didn't know.