The unfortunate child was born with a rare

The unfortunate child was born with a rare form of spina bifida, so rare that it had no name. The doctors mockingly called it anal bifida. Hugh Chauncey Pinkingford III had no

chance to obtain a life mate on his own merits, but because he was the only heir to the Johnson and Johnson baby wipes empire he would mate. His anal bifida would not

get in the way of choosing a suitable bride. She would fall in love with him if not for his astoundingly good looks then the sheer overwhelming wealth from his Q-tip sales. But he

was truly passionate for swabbing, and nothing more. She leaned in with perked lips, and he leaned in with a Q-tip. Was there any amount of handsomeness worth an ear swabbed raw?

Certainly not. That's the sort of thing my mother, no, my grandmother would say. If it wasn't awkward enough already,

she spat on a cleenex and wiped my mouth "clean" with it. But that was the nature of our relationship. She wore wool stockings and garters and dyed her hair blue, at just 16.

I found her disgusting, repulsive, abhorrent. Still, she was better than nothing, which was my alternative. The circus was in town, and I had front row seats so I asked her to go.

However, I regretted my decision as soon as she moved in to hold my hand during the linedancing show and I discovered that someone had replaced her nail polish with feces.

time she saw me she was really mad and looked at me with a death stare. One of her friends came over and beat the crap out of me and nobody stopped him. It was barely worth it.