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The unfortunate child was born with a rare

  • The unfortunate child was born with a rare form of spina bifida, so rare that it had no name. The doctors mockingly called it anal bifida. Hugh Chauncey Pinkingford III had no

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  • chance to obtain a life mate on his own merits, but because he was the only heir to the Johnson and Johnson baby wipes empire he would mate. His anal bifida would not

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  • get in the way of choosing a suitable bride. She would fall in love with him if not for his astoundingly good looks then the sheer overwhelming wealth from his Q-tip sales. But he

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  • was truly passionate for swabbing, and nothing more. She leaned in with perked lips, and he leaned in with a Q-tip. Was there any amount of handsomeness worth an ear swabbed raw?

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  • Certainly not. That's the sort of thing my mother, no, my grandmother would say. If it wasn't awkward enough already,

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  • she spat on a cleenex and wiped my mouth "clean" with it. But that was the nature of our relationship. She wore wool stockings and garters and dyed her hair blue, at just 16.

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  • I found her disgusting, repulsive, abhorrent. Still, she was better than nothing, which was my alternative. The circus was in town, and I had front row seats so I asked her to go.

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  • However, I regretted my decision as soon as she moved in to hold my hand during the linedancing show and I discovered that someone had replaced her nail polish with feces.

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  • Oh yeah, it was me! I laughed at her and asked if she always kept her fingers in her asshole. The whole room heard me, and she ran out crying. I laughed so hard it hurt. The next

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  • time she saw me she was really mad and looked at me with a death stare. One of her friends came over and beat the crap out of me and nobody stopped him. It was barely worth it.

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