The news called it "Death from Above", the

The news called it "Death from Above", the tabloids called it "we told you so!", and the fear-mongers called it "we're already dead so let's go crazy and kill each other."

The fear-mongers where lately into embuing there overlong nicknames for armeggadon scenarios with self referential irony. It was refreshing. Some called the coming asteroid impact

a blessing in de skies. The earth-firsters were in bed with the fear-mongers and they were hoping the asteroid would kickstart global climate change so they could say they were

the ones that had heralded judgement day. But later that day, the asteroid burned down to the size of a toilet and knocked over a statue of Ron Howard. Awkward silence permeated

restrooms around the world that day. But the real big one. The one that just gets right in the goochy goocher is what happened on Secretary Appreciation Day. Bold. Loud. Ugly.

But satisfying. I promptly promoted my secretary to "Executive Assistant" in appreciation for all she does for me. I promised not to reveal what happened that day in the restroom.

I didn't break my promise.Still, eyebrows were raised & rumors began circulating when my executive assistant & I arrived late to the boardroom, with toilet paper stuck in our hair.

r plumber's in the kitchen drinking tea. Why's he here?" "Don't talk to him!" I yelled into the phone. My executive assistant kicked my shin when I said had to run home to my wife

and declare my undying love for the "plumber". I arrived to late. G. Gordon Liddy was filling the tub with piranha bath. I wept as I kneaded his strong shoulders. Did you have to?"