Finished Folds (421—440)
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5neath the plank. The admiral’s mind raced to escape the watery, painful death. Turning on the plank to face the pirate captain, he looked down at his feet and said “Shoe’s untied!"
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3Unfortunately, the drug lord picked Patti Deutsch to provide the match to “Prison _____.” Patti replied “Prison...is not fun,” so the drug lord lost the 5 grand. Gene Rayburn was
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5cards. Otto focused on fame, getting his tusks polished & plastic surgery on his trunk. He got expensive therapy on how to walk a circus ring without shitting all over the place.
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3as inventive. “Bubba is so gassy, we’ll be enjoying champagne after he spends 3 days in the wine!” But after 3 days, the wine wasn’t bubbly. Instead, stuff resembling Tootsie Rolls
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6the Carrot Crusade faced defeat when a giant Bugs Bunny appeared. Plucking a screaming carrot soldier, Bugs munched him casually. “What’s Up Doc?” he bellowed, chewing. The army
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3the Christ child, or at least to a nearby Wendy’s. At last the Wise Men saw a sign in the sky, aided by a cheap telescope. “That’s it! Let’s go!” “Go where? The star isn’t moving!"
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3the mirror dropped from her back and shattered. Titch the gorilla, no longer able to see his reflection, began peeling her packages open like so many overpriced bananas. “Hey!” she
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3“Yum!” exclaimed Al. “There’s nothing like a fudgsicle!” Ed lost his composure and laughed. “Al, that’s not a fudgsicle you’re licking!” Al looked at Ed incredulously. “No, that’s
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4attract other male dogs. Twelve showed up. Circling the frozen mangy mutt, they lifted their legs and pissed on the iced dog to thaw him. They thought they would be successful when
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5from the Shaman of the Cave of Doom. The Shaman, now a feeble old coot, was dozing when I arrived. I rescued her and, feeling sorry for the old bastard, left a bottle of Geritol.
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4aloud. The support group just sat silently, being UNsupportive. “I don’t need you A-holes!” yelled Jess. She started for the door, then turned back around. “Anyone got bus fare?"
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4It WAS a trap. The sign was a misprint. It read “Golden Arches.” What they meant was “Golden Archies.” Archie, Betty, and Jughead took orders and sang “Sugar, Sugar.” I was pissed.
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4ut me DOWN!” ordered Slate. “With pleasure,” replied Flintstone, opening the crane’s jaws to drop Slate to the quarry bed below. In true cartoon fashion, Slate was unhurt and stood
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3The girl spoke. “I wish you were a housefly!” In a *POOF* the genie was a housefly. The girl rolled up a newspaper and swatted the genie, killing him. She lived happily ever after.
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3walked in, dragging a ribbon of TP on her heel. The guys laughed until one had to make a doo-doo, only to learn that the TP on Marsha’s heel was all that was left. Panic ensued.
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5keeping time and staying on-key. The audience, not expecting a novelty act, sat in silent shock—until a guy in the front chuckled. The psycho-Tiny clobbered him with his ukulele.
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4whose hair didn’t flip in the air much because, even when washed, it looked perpetually matted and greasy. My wife wasn’t much to look at, but man could she cook! My favorite dish
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5But the owl wanted rowdiness from that crowd. Instead of Eminem, he cued up “The Best of Spike Jones.” Musical mayhem ensued, causing a drunken riot with much desired breakage.
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11when Portia DeRossi arrived, demanding to know why Kaitlyn Jenner was making goo-goo eyes at Ellen. Before she could reply, Portia shoved Kaitlyn’s face into the punch bowl. Ellen
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6The trick is to get people to come near me, but I’m unfriendly, and my library’s copy of “How to Win Friends and Influence People” is currently loaned out. So I’m stuck right now.