Finished Folds (1661—1680)
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4a confectioner's cart. A circus-goer had driven a cotton candy stick through a vampiro's heart. Before the fiend could react, the sugar entered his blood stream and made him sweet.
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3smobile driven by David Oreck crashed through the wall. He approached me with an Oreck XL vacuum cleaner and said, "I hear you've been making a mess." I noticed the pork crumbs and
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3one-up Jimmy Dean. "You ain't never wrapped bacon around no sausage, has you?!" he bragged. "Yup, we sure have," Jimmy replied. "We've even put it on a stick with chocolate chips."
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4when Cyclops was disqualified from Olympic Skeet. "It's an optic blast, not a skeet-seeking missile," he cried. Synchronously, Wolverine resorted to cutting, but his healing factor
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3In his heart of hearts, Dracula was a softie. He spent his downtime knitting wool koozies for tubes of blast-frozen blood and sketching ideas for marshmallow shapes. No one knew
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3-ral muscles softening with every chocolate-covered fly. Kermit couldn't face Ms. Piggy while he was craving pork rinds, so he sung "It's Not Easy Being Lean" at his desk. A stack
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5I attempted to reason with the roaches. "Bigroach and Paparoach are false prophets," I said. "I am Ratgod. You must reclaim the Holy Sewer for Me." Suddenly, the Cucaracha Banditos
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4everything he had started with "i". "Yeah, but you only use it for YouTube," she said. "Plus you're always watching "He-Man" or listening to "She Wolf". I don't know US anymore!"
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1and Puff the Magic Dragon. "Hey Puff, if you give me a ride, I'll pay double for the hash. It's a win-win." But "Puff" was his parole officer, and the "hash" was his salad. Crouton
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5sell it gram by gram. By the time he sold three wheels, the windshield, and a muffler, he'd made enough money to buy a non-Crack Land Rover. But he was tempted by the exhaust pipe.
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5a Chinese food delivery boy's bike. Stalin's hand jerked suddenly, spraying latte all over his mustache. As the faux facial hair dissolved, Stalin contemplated invasion. "How long
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2and cut the cookies into heart shapes. "Keep your heart still, babe. I can't style the aorta when it moves." She screamed about how Jack had ripped her open, but the cookies were
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1excrement bin in a plastic world. The crack made the port-o-potty look like a cow, so I pushed it down the up-escalator. It rolled in place for hours. "The cow says, "Poo!"' I told
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5with her entomology encyclopedia. "Let's see... ah, it's a Hypercompe scribonia. That's a keeper." She removed the moth with her tweezers, leaving the booger in tact. I swooned and
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4went off just before the chemist could yell, "No smoking by the centrifuge!" The sprinkler system released dihydrogen monoxide, which ruined my dry clean-only coat and reacted with
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8my social security number. Blaming my club, I dove into a water hazard in search of a Titleist driver. Suddenly, something brushed against my leg. "Either that's a mermaid, or just
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2direct the MTV Bambi remake, "Viva la Bambi." "I would've settled for Dreamworks," I thought as Bambi rubbed my peg-legs away with his antlers. His co-star was a guido falcon named
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3ternut squash...Dale Earnhardt... My Adderall was wearing off. As I fumbled through the medicine cabinet, a pack of Jesus Band-Aids caught my eye. Could they cure my ADD? I put one
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3where I married a Mexican maid named Gloria. I figured that if I rationed shampoo and built a water slide from my balcony to the pool, this place could be Hotel Sweet Hotel. Money
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5Ever since he got possessed, Joe couldn't stop typing in tongues. "Ddev6lde66evid6il..." He had tried and failed at a method of self-exorcism that involved grits, a Bedazzler, and