"Keep left. Arriving at jail," said the GPS. The jewel thief wasn't falling for that one again. He stuffed his stash in the glove box and navigated the city by memory. Jaywalkers

Why, when I was your age, young feller, I trudged 5 miles to school in the snow and ice. And we didn't have nothin' like them fancy computers you young 'uns have nowadays. We were

I swear to God I'll pistol-whip the next guy who says "shenanigans"!

If recent history is a decent indicator, my day will probably go something like this: Wake up to kids fighting. Yell at them until they eat their cereal. Drive older boy to school,

The thing about Laverne was that she had tavern battered breasts that

Not a good idea. A moose in the international space station. It stood, nay floated in unity node 1. its antlers were wedged in a ventilator panel and the only Canadian astronaut

I'm performing at the Super Bowl half-time show tomorrow. No, I'm not famous and nobody invited me, but mark my words, I'm performing. Just watch and see.

The night that she finally lucidly dreamed was a strange one. After loading her mind with images of clouds, birds, and airplanes, hoping to fly, she fell asleep, only to be greeted

Usually it's in my nature to show self restraint, but as I looked down at the mangled remains of the homeless man, I had to laugh. "I can't believe I ate the whole thing."

I grill your unadorned kielbasa with a Dick de Cocks cow dung smoked kraut." Without his mashimo, Max had no choice but to skedaddle. The troll next door had his precious orbs!

Professor Bombo Ungerdunger's Inflatable Fauna (Advanced Placement) was the toughest course at the Clown College.

One day there was someone walking and i ran up to him because his book bag was open so i stole the book bag and ran little did i notice there was my future.

Roger wanted to remain truly anonymous but his conscience pressed him so he spraypainted his confession on the church wall.As he finished he heard Father Tom's voice behind him say

Harry spoke slowly, drawing out his vowels in long strokes of increasing loudness. Carol didn't really know why he spoke to her like this. She wasn't deaf or retarded. Maybe he

I didn't like driving at night but since it was an emergency I took the car keys and headed towards the shiny new BMW. I opened the door - and stepped into blinding sunshine.

The elevator doors close, there is a lurch as the box takes off then surges wildly upward and crosswise on the diagonal just like in the dream only this time incredulously real.

Jim had one goal in mind. To be awesome. Beer? Check. Crossbow? Check. Jerky? Check. Wallet in a shoulder holster? Check. He smoothed his hair and grimaced. Time to

As I heard the click of the house lock sliding into place, I realized my pocket contained a wallet, cell phone, two wintergreen life-savers, ticket stub and absolutely no keys.

The moral of this story is that sometimes taking a different path to a known destination can change the way we travel forevermore. Our tale begins with two friends in a coffeeshop

"Why were you REALLY researching Pu-239 online?" said the NSA agent. "A story on FoldingStory had Batman using a uranium powered fork. I wrote that it exploded. I wanted to be accu