Ted, come here. No, son, come here. I'm gonna need you to smell grandma. Hey, come here, she's your grandma. Come on, get in there, whiff it up there, you smell that? Don't it seem

Dave got to his feet swaying slightly. "I hope that everyone associated with this travesty shites a Christmas tree," he proclaimed

Toner Pirates, they are the worst! More evil than CapnKid &LongJohnSilvers combined! How I was supposed to know it was all a scam? They sounded so legit, that is until 30 gallons

Josiah Cranshaw's storied life did not include him withering. So now he had some things to say before he started blithering:

When Nostri-Prime Xtreme went to market, he waited then sold his stocks at the crest and paid off the teenage physicists who helped retrofit his Airstream Bambi for space travel.

It's Friday night. I'm amped up on about 20 drugs. Got no hair...anywhere. Feel like crap from the chemo. Gonna lose my 38DDs in about a month. Pissed I didn't do my mammogram.

“Hello, Leona. How’s life?” I felt sick to my stomach. My breath hitched. I wanted to puke. I wanted to hurl. It was a familiar voice, but not one that I wanted to hear.

Philip K. Dickens wondered whether Scrooge was even human as he toiled over pointless numbers late one festive evening in the heart of the heartless metropolis. Cratchit seemed hum

As I plan to end my own life, I learn many things. How swallowing razorblades won't hurt as much as you think, how overdosing does little damage, and how to tie a noose.

Cull me, Ishmael.

I like pizza, but only when my mom sits on the couch with Nicki Minaj.

There was once a grand old man who liked to read a lot. One fine day he realized that he spent more time in reading than living and then he died. He had a grandkid who hated readin

It 's 4 a.m. The street lights wink out. Dim lantern-headed ghosts with grotesque sillouhettes shrilly pipe their piccolos. A cohort of drumming fools marches up the narrow alley.

I packed my ba

He checked the clock: 10:32 PM. Three minutes until the news would come on, announcing the murder of Thomas Rogers. He grinned, sipping the thick iron-tasting fluid in his glass.

Let's get it ON! Bang a GONG! Like Donkey KONG! (Get down. Shuffle back 2,3,4 Forward 2,3,4) Aaaanddd. Shimmy-shimmy-shake. Mash Potato. Jazz Hands. Tap Dance Finish TA-DAH!

I am crazy!

I smushed the bug on my bare stomach and thought nothing of it. The next day, in the shower

Mr Wong hadn't spent four months floating from Vietnam to America in a cracked pot for nothing. That much was clear. Today he was finally going to

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