'Friggin things musta shrunk up again' she muttered as she yanked on the denim, and completed a perfect impression of an overfilled muffin cup, spilling out the sides. 'Do these

The diamonds were fake, but Jess didn't care. She knew he could only afford the pretend love, but that's what she was giving him, so it didn't sting as much. His wife's gun was

He'd always been confused: if you could give a rat's ass did that mean you cared more, or less, than if you couldn't give a rat's ass. While seemingly inane, it was relevant to

Calling THIS smog would be an understatement. You could cut this thing with a knife and put it on bread. "How do you navigate through this without a horn?"

Blood clung thick on the walls of the small room like a double coat of paint, filling the air with a cloying smell that burned the nostrils. I couldn't believe what I'd just done.

They were the first snowflakes since last spring. The sight of this first sign of winter momentarily distracted her racing thoughts

How many times had he told himself not to do this, stupid jungle operations always left him in a bad mood. As he pushed the brush out of the way, he was finally there. Time to

I went for a walk this morning. The air was crisp and bright and 36 degrees. The upper layer of soil had lifted due to the frost. My steps crushed the soil with a crunching sound.

Looking at the terrible predicament I had gotten myself in, I was rather disappointed that I hadn't purchased that

I found out my best friend was in love with me all this time and I thought I was really stupid for not knowing. I liked her too but there was also another girl I liked, I don't

"Hey Toby, have you been hangin' out with hookers in Missoula?", She asked him point blank.

Oh No! Here comes dirty Dick in his dirty dirt dump truck! Splatch!

Punctuation can hurt! Especially when Big Bubba does it! He closes his statements with a kielbasa sized finger hard into your chest. A question? He hooks his hand behind your neck.

The princess and the price lived happily ever after. the end. or so they thought. in fact, godzilla was waiting for them back at the half destroyed castle. hungry for royal meat godzilla

It all started with a tin can.

... and we will throw the vegetable peeler for free!" He finished his spiel. The folding chairs were empty except for way in the back, a lone figure waited in a trenchcoat."Hello?"

Hypothesis: Warning labels are for pussies. Procedure: 1) Take more than twelve aspirins in one day; 2) Get drunk, then operate machinery; and 3) Swallow Listerine. Conclusion:

"It just won't budge!", the lieutenant said to the corporal. "try more lube"

"Bad proofreader, bad BAD proofreader!" Zelda glared. "All you've done is introduce fresh errors to the typesetters' pristine proofs! Have you been smoking in your office again?"

Ernest Hemingway sat quietly on the shores of a trout stream in southern Idaho. Everything he saw was delivered to his brain clipped and terse. The water was blue. The fish