They fired him after his presentation on impregnating toilet tissue with ghost pepper extract.

If I were to start my life over again, I wouldn't have been born the way I was born. What a way to come into this world!

Every fold is sacred.

Michelle's smell caused Biden's eyes to explore her neck and decolletee. The moment melted into an intimate crossroads. Any time to consider the paths would lead to shame, he kisse

I didn't like driving at night but since it was an emergency I took the car keys and headed towards the shiny new BMW. I opened the door - and stepped into blinding sunshine.

And so this is Christmas, and what have you done? Another year over, and a new one just begun

"Wag yer tail! Wag yer tail!" I said to my dog, but for some reason Maggie thought I was talking to her.

They're the worst bees. I bet they don't pollinate or make honey or defend the queen they just fly around stinging shit. Nightmare bees, deadbeats, let's all just get together and

Jim had one goal in mind. To be awesome. Beer? Check. Crossbow? Check. Jerky? Check. Wallet in a shoulder holster? Check. He smoothed his hair and grimaced. Time to

It was 4:19pm on April 20th. We'd road-tripped all the way from Portland, Maine to Weed, California & felt as if we'd been preparing our entire lives for what was about to unfold.

Bob Drane was the company’s vice president for new business strategy and development when Oscar Mayer tapped him to try to find some way to reposition bologna and other troubled me

"I said 'Sixteen metric tonnes of quadrotriticale', you moron" slurred the Vulcan into the communicator. "And I better get it tomorrow, or I'm introducing a Tribble to your

Gordon was an accomplished plumber. He had three golden plungers in his trophy case. His latest work was more than a pipe dream. He sat down on his time traveling toilet & flushed

I grill your unadorned kielbasa with a Dick de Cocks cow dung smoked kraut." Without his mashimo, Max had no choice but to skedaddle. The troll next door had his precious orbs!

It was Loan Shark Week on CNBC and all the anchors were replaced by thugs. Tony the Pony (yes, yes) was interviewing a victim of check cashing services. "50% interest, that's not

It's the night before Christmas and all trough the house Granny farts tweet like the tinniest mouse. Granny waddles along on her way nowhere she lost glasses and can't find her

"Stardate Now. We have engaged the Directionless Drive. Set a course, Ensign Prow." "But Captain, we're already here." Ensign Tarekwa played along, but her mission from Section 31

Mme Vertaigne stubbed out her cigarette in her mummified husband's palm. She exhaled the last of her grief and left the shed. Time to call the coroner. The autumn

Sometimes when I brush my teeth I think I can hear the cavities die. I can hear their wails and screams as the listerine incinerates them. I feel sorry for them. That's why I

The heart of a house is really in the backyard. Inside, it's just a lot of pissing in bowls, cushioned sleeping, and slow-cooking flesh. But in the backyard, there's truth.