The shrouded gates opened. Amy moved towards them. Then she was stopped. A red-eyed raven hulked on the Gate post. It gargled, "Ms. Winehouse, where do you think you're going?"

One hot summer night, while I was sucking down chili dogs outside the Tastee Freeze, I noticed that the dude sitting on the hood of the car next to mine looked exactly like Elvis.

Why is this man talking so loudly and gesturing so frantically? Maybe I can't talk yet but I sure can hear and see him! Why are people so weird in front of babies? I wonder if they

The Jesus's Lawn Care van arrived right on time Wednesday morning. I thanked God every day I'd found him. What a nice guy, and the lawn had never been greener. One day Jesus

I am a wretched man, a deplorable man, a humorous man, a regrettable man. My brain is alive and has a disease. It goes out at night and I follow, in the shadows. The others I avoid

Faster and faster, nothing could slow us down. We exploded from the tunnel into the open night sky, stars glimmering above us, the world calmly waiting below. It happened, we flew

Limo Jousting was "in". Wealthy knights opened the sunroofs and ordered their chauffeurs to charge. "Eat my lance," said 5-time champion Guinevere du Lac. She was hypercompetitive

Clive had had enough. Standing on the edge of the precipice, with his toes dangling over, he took a final deep breath and looked skyward. The buzzards were circling in wide arcs

The two girls clung to each other digging their nails deep. Slowly they approached the shed door. The growling from within the shed grew fierce. Through the panels yellow eyes

In eighteen hundred and fifty-nine, a summer's day turned strangely dark, and the sun a jaundiced moon. The Turtle of the Baskervilles startled the groundskeeper on a lark, with di

My Uncle Luther just passed gas while we were sitting around the family room. I was the only one who heard it. He knew that I knew. But it quickly became evident to everyone that

Uncle Bernie knew he didn't have the noggin for a Noble, but figured he could snag an Ig-Noble prize. He showed chicken plucking could be used to measure tornado winds speeds,

I wish that I was born a thousand years ago. I wish I'd sailed the darkened seas on a great big clipper ship going from this land here to that, in a sailor's suit and cap.

I couldn't believe it's simplicity. How'd they manage to get it so small? I kept asking myself over and over again "What if I just take it?" I saw the security guard, he was

Say my name

I was checking my ETSY store every 32 seconds it seems. I had tons of awesome stuff for sale, I have no idea I wasnt getting any hits. Mannequin limbs? Who doesnt love that?

He looked up, puzzled, from the article on dirty politics in the Ukraine. "Nobbler?" What the hell was a "nobbler?" Maybe it was a kind of

The frustrated butcher knicked Tommy by his shirt's collar. The child gagged. "You won't learn your lesson, will ya kid?" he threatened. The doors to the white van opened.

Arik finally brought it up. "Tamara, is it true that you are secretly LX-27J?" Tamara had been bursting to tell him. "Yeah, that was me wot restarted the global Tesla power thing."

I tore into my stocking with gleeful abandon. Would there be cash, candy, trick new gadgets? Hmm, let's see: socks (meh), toothbrush (retch), nail file (pshh), fruit (gag), dishrag