I like pizza, but only when my mom sits on the couch with Nicki Minaj.

Cull me, Ishmael.

As I plan to end my own life, I learn many things. How swallowing razorblades won't hurt as much as you think, how overdosing does little damage, and how to tie a noose.

Philip K. Dickens wondered whether Scrooge was even human as he toiled over pointless numbers late one festive evening in the heart of the heartless metropolis. Cratchit seemed hum

“Hello, Leona. How’s life?” I felt sick to my stomach. My breath hitched. I wanted to puke. I wanted to hurl. It was a familiar voice, but not one that I wanted to hear.

It's Friday night. I'm amped up on about 20 drugs. Got no hair...anywhere. Feel like crap from the chemo. Gonna lose my 38DDs in about a month. Pissed I didn't do my mammogram.

When Nostri-Prime Xtreme went to market, he waited then sold his stocks at the crest and paid off the teenage physicists who helped retrofit his Airstream Bambi for space travel.

Josiah Cranshaw's storied life did not include him withering. So now he had some things to say before he started blithering:

Toner Pirates, they are the worst! More evil than CapnKid &LongJohnSilvers combined! How I was supposed to know it was all a scam? They sounded so legit, that is until 30 gallons

Dave got to his feet swaying slightly. "I hope that everyone associated with this travesty shites a Christmas tree," he proclaimed

Ted, come here. No, son, come here. I'm gonna need you to smell grandma. Hey, come here, she's your grandma. Come on, get in there, whiff it up there, you smell that? Don't it seem

"I am the Light and the Life" said the chipmunk.

This Christmas, I asked myself a very important question: "Has anything about me changed? Why do I still hate the world? And where's the turkey?" But this time, it'll be different.

Black bark gives you fire ash. You give worms to mother. I heard old man spit. This is what I pull not that.

Always I begin empty and lose nothing constantly until I am full again.

"Calories should be conserved, not wasted! Always take the elevator. Use a drive-in or have food delivered." Big Bob lowered the remote. Adi Johnson's late night infomercial

Frankîe tripped over a small customer with his clubfoot & his tablet with whole pork crashed into a chandelier & fell on the cheese trolley. The maître d' called him a dumb waiter

Dump wrasslin'. Who wants ta watch nekkid sweaty men grabbin' their thongs? An' what's this. Discus throw? That's s'posed ta be oh-riginal recipe Olympic sport? It's a Frisbee for

"We'll get a parcel of land out in Amazonas Planitia. Rumor say the land is fertile, the natives friendly." Pa hitched up our Lopers & we joined the next wagon train. The martian

A dark shadow watched Wolverina Puckeridge saunter down an alleyway in her iron heals and patented Stoatbag. Crime had plummeted in Gotham since she opened the Stoat academy