today is a beautiful day!!!

The beach was crowded with Australians having their Xmas BBQ when Santa jumped out of the hovering helicopter with his bag of gifts, red shorts, sunglasses and towel to join in

The apocalypse of 2012 had gotten off to a slow start, but once it was underway it was a great time from beginning to end. This was definitely the apocalypse with the most alcohol.

Hey there Dapper Dan! You like a smooth operator who can rub two coins together. I get a little dealeo for you. (You know what I'm sayin'?) Its easy-peasy lemon-squeezy. Hey!

I had my finger on The Button. All I could think of was my mother saying "Oh relax, it's not the end of the world." But this time, with the wrong choice, it would be. I pressed

Allie carried in the last of her stuff. Phew! First year of college DONE! Made it on the Dean's List too. But should tell her parents what she really learned at college this year?

"Turn the music up," he shouted. She could hear his voice through the thin walls of the apartment complex. Who was he shouting to? The music suddenly got ....

For Godsake, keep your eyes open.

Stepping into his apartment, Steve noticed for the first time that there was a grey squirrel sitting on his sofa, right where he swore the night before he had left his prized

"I see your point and raise you a counterpoint: you are a massive doo-doo head." Debate Club had gone to the dogs. I quietly padded my résumé in the corner, sipping a soda.

The grizzly bear smoked a calabash pipe because

DON'T PAY THE PIPER. It was the 23rd year after the 23rd month after the 23rd day after the 23rd hour that the infamous Pied Piper carried out his brutal murders with instruments.

Doris looked dubiously over at Floyd, who was out on the dance floor. "And this...one," he panted, "is called...the flying kielbasa..." His noticeably sweaty armpits looked like

Came home, drank about 8 or 9 Budweisers, then went straight to bed. I dreampt of thick rivers cascading as waterfalls into the ocean. So much water. Flowing. Streaming. Then

There was an old lady who swallowed a fly. I don't know why she swallowed the fly. She'll probably die. She swallowed a spider to catch the fly that riggled and jiggled inside her.

So she stood there. The barrista's "coolness" was wearing thin. "Lady I have never made a Mocha-Frappa-Scone-Sandwich." The strollered child cried. Had he just called her "Lady?"

The stranger acrossed the street. At the end of November, a new neighbour moved to my street...

"It was Mr. Green, ruefully, in the dope Lounge with the ostentatious rope," I accused. The Clue: Adverbs and Adjectives expansion pack was challenging. I checked the case envelope

I got down on one knee. "With this ring, will you do me the honor of becoming complicit in the exploitation of destitute African diamond miners?" She blinked. "Oops, I mean

I couldn't wait for opening day at my delicatessen, "Tounge in Cheek"