I sipped my tomato soup thoughtfully and peered out the window at the darkened street,comforted in knowing that all I held dear was ensconsed on our snug brick house on Elm Street.

Dear Santa, This Christmas I'd like a new bicycle, a warm coat, and a puppy. But I don't want you to bring them to me. Please give them to Jacob Nealy. Thank you Santa, Paul.

"But the sign DID say 'shuck em, suck em, eat em rawwww,'" Harry whined as he followed Madge out of the county jail.

One happy day I woke up full of joy and with an overwhelming sense of security and self-confidence. It was really a glorious day. Did I mention it was the best day ever?

Now look at this keyboard here. It's connected to that reanimated dead body. A German village was destroyed when I played chopsticks.

He was dressed in drag, had 8 neck tattoos and was purchasing 3 peaches, a large bottle of Popov, 2 boxes of Summer's Eve, some Cracker Jack, and a rolling pin. I said "Welcome to

I screamed like a small child, kicked the hospital walls, and barged the double doors open so hard that they almost flew off. I knew that you can't avoid death, but why does it

My Dr. is a moron. A real dolt. I'm 5-11, 260 and he prescribes me fat pills. Literally the oil from a fish with some kinda lambda 7s or some such bullroar. I laughed in his face

All I ask of you today is to listen to my story with an open mind, for this story is unconventional, and you my find it just damn' weird. It all started when

I stood up. Then I lay down. I put my arms tight against my side...and started rolling. I rolled right out Paddywack's door, down the street, down the hill and finally home.

So I was stuck watching figure skating. I was all alone with a bowl of mac and cheese. What I can't figure out is why the figure skating made me cry.

I put my girlfriend's kid on the teeter-totter and waived. Then I hit the remote control in my pocket which dropped a 10 ton sack on the teeter totter flinging the kid hundreds of

Donald Trump and Andy Rooney made sure no one was in the library. They went to the "Philosophy" aisle and embraced each other.

Forget using carnival karate,

Once upon a time, it was a dark and stormy night. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, and I took the road less traveled. Call me Ishmael. A screaming comes across

They say home is where the heart is. I keep mine under the floorboards. Late at night, I can still hear it beating...

"I don't get it," Qwerty said. "Who did what again?" "Oh my God," Asdf said. He had already told Qwerty about it three times. "Are you even listening?!"

the deep darkness of this room makes the best hero's to shiver to run away like a baby. and what do you expect from a real baby to do that cold breeze on my face it makes the hairs

My parents gave me advice like "Don't talk with your mouth open." and "Hold my hand while crossing the street. I don't want to die alone."

Carlos woke up, had breakfast, went to work, ate and came back home. Everyday. But that morning, when he opened the door, there was no street outside, just a neverending sea. So he