I was a latchkey kid. We moved a lot, too. I never got a handle on settling down to a future that would inevitably change. One day on the way home, two roads. I took the shortcut.

There I was, stifling my sobs into heavy breathes with my forehead against the exterior glass of the sphere. The door wooshed open behind me, and I turned hear it: "EXTERMINATE!"

Suddenly the door opened and everyone screamed. They never expected to see

Of all the pies - apple, cherry, moon, even pigeon pie, there was but one pie that Bartleby longed for. It had ruined him for all other pastries. He would sit in math class, idly

After the professor finished her lecture, she turned to a student and asked "What did you learn from this?" The student looked up from his notes and said, "I AM GROOT!"

as a rooster in the turreted tower of the bouncy castle. He cockadoodle-dooed militantly. I heard clucking behind the great mound of chicken sh!t. It toppled towards us ominously

I had been collecting my sweat for two years now. I kept it in mason jars. Thousands of them littered around my trailor. I was proud of my collection. I had names for each jar.

Squawkers flew up to the stage to receive the Tony Award for Best Actor for his role as Willy Loman in Death of a Salesman. This was the first time any parakeet had ever received

The day crept up on him; took him by surprise: twenty thousand...but none seemed more relevant than the one before, or, for that matter, any other that came before. It was a Friday

Shawna cackled. "You're right Mable, that Betty Lou is dumber than a door knob, bless her heart." Mable lit up. "Why, she looks busier'n a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

A girl, mid-sized, brown hair, walked across the room. Her steps made her glide through the air like she was hovering, never to touch the ground. She glanced out the window to the

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff in Old Age. Think of a hemrhoid as a road bump on the constipation trail. Forgetting where you parked your golfcart is just an opportunity

"Chuck you, Farley!" I exclaimed, delighting myself with one of my favorite zingers as I floored it and began to pass the semi barreling down I-5. The shocking

It was dark. Foreboding. The kind of night that makes your shoulders tense up once you exit the back door into the yard. Is that the sprinklers? No, they're off. Something

I should've realized something was up when they asked me to sign the contract in blood.

The old gravedigger stared down into the pit. He propped himself on his shovel and rubbed his chin. Well, this was unusual. He had never had a corpse sit up and stare at him.

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Oscar the Grouch was pissed. All this Greening of America crap meant way less trash for him. He was "Green" before the hipsters co-opted it. He needed to get even so he

He finally felt unique. He'd pleaded enough times that his mom gave in and gave him the money. Then he bought an IPOD in "green." Now he was an individual because

Figuring out the solution in no less than eight hours, Holland Pomphrey was the most inefficient SOB they had in their