Fact: One in four house fires are caused by a drunk person trying to cook food. Also a fact: Mort had just fired up the stove and was about to add to the statistics.

A young married woman was burdened with the problems of married life and approached her mother. Her mother took 3 pots of boiling water. In one she inserted a carrot, in another

Sheltie looked at Human square in the eye, and began the mind-meld. "Look into my eyes, you are getting very guilty, guilty because you have not give me the bacon."

What was that...smell? Bubba wrinkled his nose and scratched his head, trying to match memory with the distinctive odor which suddenly permeated the closet. Mom? Is that you?

I think I've found a locally offered MFA program that interests me. Perhaps I'll start it this year.

The McGriddle said to the McDonald's employee, "I am evil."

I wanted to know who kept destroying my snowmen so I hid a couple of cameras in the head of my latest creations. I was expecting some teenagers. I was right but they weren't human.

Those who sign here petition the United States government to secure funding, & begin construction of a Death Star by 2016. By focusing our defense resources on a space-superiority

When transmat became cheap and reliable he couch-surfed around the globe. But even with friends he often stayed in a corner, bandages still on his head. One evening, though, he

When I was a kid I thought there were Cuddlefish - really comfortable fish you could sleep with at night - and that an Octopus was a cat with eight heads. Boy, was I sorely

He had won. But it had left him empty and tired. The national pork shortage was just the first of many problems he was going to have to face. All he wanted to do was

Carp is bottom grazers. They feeds on garbage. The area 3 pool has plenty. Carp can weigh 100+ lbs! Uncle/Grandpa Doug hit on the idea to use twinkies (in their wrappers) as bait

"This licence is not valid for an oversized vehicle on Mars. Please step out of the rover Mr. Jeng." The alien pointed a glowing rod at him. Yen woke up in a cold sweat.

My parasitic twin and I were enjoying a leisurely stroll down the avenue when out of nowhere came the call of the world's rarest avian species, a bird so rare that only one was

It was a dark and stormy night. So I've been told. I really didn't notice. I had my head in the oven at the time. I was drunk and forgot to turn the gas on, fell asleep and

Heaven's Gate cult leader Marshall Applewhite had the last laugh. The really hard last laugh because when they got on the spaceship they saw a bunch of Mormons on their way

Jeremy had a time machine and sent himself back before The Singularity to a time when things made sense and people could speak in sentences instead of bobbling around like fish in

After I'd used up most of the credit on prank calls, I thought it would be funny to text a message to a random person on the address list. I wrote "Where should I dump the body?"

"But the end of the world... bla bla.. mayans.... bla bla... higher consciousness... bla bla....intergalactic alignment yada yada...." "Uhum, yeah.... pass the potatoes honey"

I looked at the ingredients label of my pie. "Ingredients: pie" That was it.