"So you thee, I juth god unruc ow ... ow ow kee wif my tsch ow ... ow ow. choice a cac-thee Doc." "Martin, a good fraction of succulent plants are not succulent. They're poison

The mother cannibal said to the child, "Finish you food. Do you know there are starving children in Africa?" The cannibal child said, "Mmmm, I love Ethiopian food."

I stood over the children—tears in their eyes, chocolate longing in their hearts—and I laughed. I said to them, "I have eaten all the cake!" None could defy my power, so I moved on

The shadow of the Manatee fell across Amanda Widdershin's tarot spread one evening. "Detective! Would you like some tea?" Det J said, "I'd like your counsel on a case with occult p

Flatuventriloquism requires many years of practice to master, but now I'm able to micmic the voices of famous people like Jimmy Stewart or Arnold Schwarzenegger. Once when

Did you know that chewing two sticks of gum for 30 minutes is as good as brushing your teeth? And that if you put a cup of vinegar in your crisper your veggies last all year? And

He wouldn't hurt anybody. He couldn't even kill a fly. Which made his job as a Hit Man tricky.

Lane woke to his cell phone buzzing by his ear. He yawned and flipped it open. There was a new text from a blocked number. He opened and read it. "Did u 4get something?" It read.

"You're a poser, Sicily McPhalleyman". He said it to the mirror, straightened his Hermes tie, and grimaced his best impression of a smile. Then he entered the boardroom

I knew what I had to do: sneeze. That was the only way left to create a distraction. As expected, everyone looked at me. What I didn't expect were their angry glowing purple eyes.

In the deepest darkest depths of the rugby changing room I was lacing up my boots in preparation for....

Soccer is a beautiful game. There is the thrill of the play as it lasts for 90 minutes. They push onward in search of that vital goal which will bring their team to victory.

The day the washing machines attacked started like any other. I remember sitting lazily in the dining room, munching on cereal, when I heard a scream come from the laundry room. I

One day, Chuck Norris, Clint Eastwood, Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mickey Rourke, Mel Gibson And Robert Duvall united to save the world.

This teacher was different. When the bell rang, she flipped over her desk revealing a craps table. We had an hour to win my brother back.

In a hushed and serious tone Jethro asked Pastor Wheeler if he could have his car when the Raptures came. "I figure you ain't gonna need a Porsche and Scratch cayun't catch no 918

Luke heard the screaming... the world was falling apart, and it had only been three days! People, rising from the dead to devour others! "This is a nightmare!" he said to himself.

Many rebelled when they read his manifestos, unwilling to consider the truth they contained. But some realized the activist was right, especially those who ate their own shorts.

I love myself

Frustrated that I cannot remember a simple word, I type 'that party thing stuffed with candy' into the search engine and facepalm when I see the results. A pinata! Of course! How c